Notes on the 2018 movies I've seen, so far
I've now seen enough movies in 2018 to dump out a bunch of thoughts on them. Some of them are even from 2017, but I rented them in 2018. That counts in my book!
Here's five thoughts (each) on a bunch of recent movies I've seen. They are in no particular order other than the order in which they popped up in my brain while writing this.
A QUIET PLACE
1. Maaaayyyybe wait for home release to watch this one. You will hyper focus on every little sound the crowded theater goers around you will make during the quiet parts. Every time someone picks up their soda, every time someone crinkles a candy wrapper, every time someone coughs. I nearly burst out in laughter myself when someone dropped a bunch of pocket change on the floor during a particularly quiet moment.
2. Cool as hell alien design that I've never seen before
3. You really have to ignore some logic flaws to enjoy this movie, but it’s not that hard if you aren’t a jerk about it.
4. I’d die night one of the invasion (snoring)
5. I wonder how many times the dad character went to the “screaming waterfall” to loudly gripe about his wife and kids? “I told them THREE TIMES not to put THEIR FREAKIN WET ART SUPPLIES on my NEWSPAPER COLLECTION. THREE TIMES. Yet here we are, and IM THE BAD GUY FOR SOME REASON?!?! HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!?!”
PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING
1. My wife and I were so bored during this movie that we walked out.
2. We made it 40 minutes in and they hadn’t even introduced a kaiju yet.
3. Found out that Fandango won’t refund your purchase for a bad movie after a showtime begins.
4. I felt bad for John Boyega, because he did the best he could with what he had to work with. I hope he did something fun with the paycheck.
5. I’ve now seen him in several movies... ...Scott Eastwood is not a great actor. He’s this generation’s Scott Caan.
ISLE OF DOGS
1. The details in this movie are amazing. One hilarious detail I can’t stop thinking about was in the opening drum number how you could just *baaaaaarely* see in the dark background that there was a basketball hoop back there and they were having an intense drum session in a school gymnasium for some reason. What an amazingly subtle joke.
2. The Oracle made me laugh 100% of the time she was on-screen.
3. It’s hard to tell if this is an evolution of Wes Anderson or more of the same but just cleverly disguised. I like it either way.
4. Even I will admit, though, that the dryly delivered dialogue of Scarlett Johansson’s Nutmeg was a little *too* Wes Anderson-y. Everyone else was on point.
5. I miss Japan.
1. I wonder just how expensive of a yacht Helen Mirren wanted when she signed up for this movie?
2. The “Based on a true story” tagline is especially funny in this one. It’s true in that there was a person named Sarah Winchester who had a wacky house. Much in the same way that Jaws is based on a true story because a shark attack may have happened in New England at some point in time.
3. Reading up about the construction of the actual house on the internet was far more interesting than sitting through this movie.
4. I saw this when I had a day off and I regretted wasting that day afterwards.
5. You’ll see the dumb twist coming from a mile away. If you see the movie. Which you probably won't.
READY PLAYER ONE
1. The movie’s primary function is showing on-the-nose references (it’s like 2 hours of people going “haha look, it’s Stan Lee!”) which admittedly is fun to look at a lot of the time, but I hope you aren’t calling this an amazing movie just because you saw King Kong eat a DeLorean. (The Shining scene was great, though)
2. The villain sure was willing to incriminate himself very publicly, for some reason...?
3. It’s funny how the main character can make his character look like anything in his imagination, and he chose a bland looking human guy with a dumb haircut. He could have been a talking eggplant with sunglasses, or an eight armed neon green skeleton samurai, or Billy Crystal in a wedding dress... but he chose a character that looks like “Default Settings”.
4. I laughed at the notion that fanatics (in the game) have been studying the “clues” to solve the riddles for 10 years, to the point where they have everything about the Game-master guy memorized; and then out of nowhere the main character watched a video he’s seen 100 times and it basically tells him what to do all of a sudden. C'mon... People would have found these clues in like four days. Have you ever been on the internet? Did you see how fast people accurately dissected every mystery in Westworld?
5. The kid sitting behind me started shrieking “LOOK DAD, ITS GODZILLA, DAD! GODZILLA!” And you know what, I was happy that he was having more fun than I was. Then he got shushed by the lady sitting in my row. FELT KINDA BAD FOR HIM.
1. That Michael Jordan “WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?!” reference was better than any reference in Ready Player One.
2. I’m not sure what was better, Michael B Jordan’s complex villain character, or Michael B Jordan’s sick haircut in this movie?
3. I actually don’t remember when Stan Lee popped up in this one, and I’ll keep it that way for now.
4. I think we can all agree that this MCU movie had more of an impactful social message than Ant-Man did.
5. Andy Serkis is a wonderful actor even without all the motion sensor balls glued to his face and body.
1. There is one main reason to see this movie, and it’s Jack Black’s performance as a teenage girl. And it is hilarious.
2. So the nerdy kid learns to be braver, the vapid girl learns to be nicer, the shy girl learns to believe in herself, but the mean-spirited jock learns... what exactly?
3. The parts that aren’t funny are downright boring, and that includes pretty much everything with the bad guy.
4. I’d like to thank the studio for not CGI-ing a cameo of Robin Williams into this.
5. I don’t think I want to strain my brain trying to think of a fifth thing to say about this movie anymore. I give up! Sad!
FIFTY SHADES FREED
1. This entire trilogy was about a lady trying to change a hot rich guy to suit her needs because he was originally kind of a jag. THERE, I SAID IT. I think in my review of the first one I said if Christian Grey looked like Paul Giamatti she wouldn’t have tried nearly as hard. Still holds true.
2. This one was better than the second one, but not as good as the first one.
3. Pretty alright softcore sex scenes. Pretty uncomfortable watching them with 30 other people in the theater with you.
4. The bad guy, Jack, is my front-runner for most unintentionally comical villain if 2018.
5. If they ever put it on YouTube, you should watch the scene where Christian tries to cook dinner for himself; pretty good stuff.
1. The previews leading up to this claimed it was “It’s Heathers meets American Psycho!”. It wasn’t really either of those things other than it had teenage girls in it and it had a murder in it. Can we stop doing the “It’s ___ meets ____!” thing already? It’s generalizing meets inaccuracy!
2. I don’t know the actor’s name, but he played that scumbag Mickey on Boardwalk Empire; well, he played a good scumbag in this too.
3. RIP Anton Yelchin. That dude was probably only going to go up in his career. Damn you, slow-moving cars, and your ability to crush a soft human in a driveway...
4. The movie was probably a B- at best, but the interesting cinematography and pacing kept my eyes glued to the screen.
5. Decent ending, that tried to do something that wasn’t cliche. GOOD EFFORT ALL AROUND.
1. Do you think the casting call for the Jerry Sandusky part was kind of like when they cast Hitler for a WWII movie? Do you think the actor was proud that he got the part? “Honey, I got the part! They said I looked the most like Jerry Sandusky!”
2. I went in expecting to laugh at Al Pacino, but he actually gave a nuanced performance for a change.
3. I didn’t really like Joe Paterno even before the scandal, but this movie really hammers home how stupid he was. And diehard Penn State fans were/are the worst. Get some perspective, you clods!
4. Very little fluff, this seemed like a pretty tight edit.
5. Between this, the Sarah Palin movie, and the Bernie Madoff movie; HBO has a good thing going with the made-for-TV scumbag biopics. Can’t wait for the Trump one in a few years!
GAME OVER, MAN!
1. This pushed beyond what I thought the limits were for the amount of dongs you can show in a Netflix movie.
2. I guess the Workaholics guys aren't going to try very hard to differentiate themselves from their Workaholics characters in their post-Workaholics careers.
3. I enjoyed all the celebrity cameos where they just showed up to get pistol whipped or killed.
4. Blake Anderson with straightened hair is a sight to behold.
5. Not a bad Die Hard spoof if you're into intentionally dumb stoner comedies.
1. Tiffany Haddish is great. It feels like Hollywood just found some hilarious crazy lady and decided to make her the next big comedy actress, and she doesn’t even care. I’ve seen her in other things and I think she might just be playing herself...? Is she the next Danny McBride?
2. I was accurately yelling out the plot points before they happened the whole movie. Like, literally yelling them out. I had a few drinks while watching this. #GirlsTrip
3. I didn’t even recognize that was Jada Pinkett Smith at first.
4. I enjoyed the random bedtime prayer scene in the middle of a raunchy comedy movie.
5. This felt like it was 4 hours long.
ANDRE THE GIANT
1. He was pretty big.
2. I’m a fan that they dedicated a segment of this doc to talking just about his farts.
3. His size was immense.
4. It was interesting to see some the wrestling guys I used to watch in high school get interviewed for this 20 years later and look super old. Like, Shane MacMahon... you so old now, dude!
5. I can’t believe how big he was.