My Super Important Oscar Picks are LOCKED IN
Oscar predictions are a lot like playing fantasy sports; I embarrass myself with my lack of knowledge year after year, but keep doing it to gloat about the one or two times I was actually successful (I had Drew Brees in 2012!)
Follow along with my annual Movie Superbowl Guessing Competition!
BEST PICTURE: THE SHAPE OF WATER
This category seems pretty up in the air, but I'll put Shape of Water here because I don't really want to believe that dueling B- films (in my opinion) Three Billboards or Lady Bird will win. Then again, I didn't rate Moonlight or Spotlight as amazing films either, and both of those 'lights ended up winning. So, what do I know? Maybe to not pick Shape of Water? Nah.
BEST DIRECTOR: GUILLERMO DEL TORO (THE SHAPE OF WATER)
Seems like the safest bet, with the way the rest of awards season has gone. Plus, you know, he did a good job and such. And frankly, in a just world, you don't make a $20 million movie about a woman who has sex with a merman and walk away empty-handed.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: GET OUT
Well, they surprisingly nominated it for a bunch of major awards, so they might as well give it one...?
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
Gonna go with logic on this one and point out that Call Me By Your Name is the only one in this category also nominated for Best Picture.
BEST ACTOR: GARY OLDMAN (THE DARKEST HOUR)
Accomplished actor Gary Oldman has long deserved an Oscar and now, as he reaches his upper years, the Academy will finally reward him with a Lifetime Achievement Award (oops, I mean Best Actor Oscar) for putting on a fat suit and playing historical figure costume karaoke. To be fair, I am trashing this movie a lot without ever having seen it.
BEST ACTRESS: FRAN MCDORMAND (THREE BILLBOARDS)
She was good. I saw the movie and she was good. Kind of a boring award win, though.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: SAM ROCKWELL (THREE BILLBOARDS)
He was also good in that movie I saw. I hated his character but he was good. (cough) I kind of don't think Three Billboards deserves more than these two awards.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: ALLISON JANNEY (I, TONYA)
I think Laurie Metcalf had a more subtle, nuanced performance in Lady Bird, but all signs point to Janney, who I'm cool with winning either way. Side note: Best Supporting Animal this year should go to the bird that kept biting Janney's ear in I, Tonya.
BEST EDITING: DUNKIRK
A war movie with a non-linear storyline? YEAH I'LL GO WITH THAT ONE. PFFFTTT (watch my confident prediction get destroyed by Baby Driver)
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: BLADE RUNNER 2049
If there's one award this movie really, really deserves... It's Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards between Ryan Gosling and his artificial girlfriend. If it deserves a second award, sure, let's go with Cinematography.
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: THE SHAPE OF WATER
If anything else wins this award, this entire show is a farce.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: PHANTOM THREAD
Gonna go with logic a second time here... Isn't this a period piece about a costume designer?
BEST MAKEUP & HAIR: THE DARKEST HOUR
Well, I guess Gary Oldman's latex fat suit will win this award, but that's only because the Academy decided to ignore any sci-fi or comic book movies for this category. Ya know, movies where every character is an alien with 5 hours of intricate makeup meticulously placed on their face and bodies.
BEST FOREIGN FILM: A FANTASTIC WOMAN (CHILE)
I can't argue with a *fantastic* woman! (in reality, I have no idea what any of the movies in this category are)
BEST DOCUMENTARY: ABACUS: SMALL ENOUGH TO JAIL
This is the only film in this category I've seen, so that's my 100% sound proof logic why it's totally gonna win.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: COCO
Now actually, I will go completely against the strategy I just wrote in the category above, because the only movie in this category I've seen is Boss Baby, and I *hope* it doesn't win. I like to keep you on the edge of your toes!
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES
Just give an Oscar to one of these movies already! The apes look friggin' real!
BEST SOUND EDITING: BABY DRIVER
Wasn't sound editing the entire reason this movie got made?
BEST SOUND MIXING: DUNKIRK
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: THE SHAPE OF WATER
More like The SOUND of Water, am I right? Don't worry, I'm almost done here, folks.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: "REMEMBER ME" FROM COCO
I've never heard it, or any of the other songs (I exclusively listen to late 90s rap rock), but people say this is a good song.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT: DEAR BASKETBALL
Wait, Kobe Bryant made a short animated film? That's hilarious and I want it to win.
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT: DEKALB ELEMENTARY
Whoa, a school shooting film? SEEEEEEEEMS RELEVANT.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: EDITH AND EDDIE
Check back in during or after the awards show to see how stupid I am!
I LOL'd at your post, reminded me of Bill Murray's Oscar picks segments on SNL
I don't take much stock in the Oscars beyond the nominations stage because much of the voting is uninformed, to put it lightly, and it's also often more political/social than it is about objective merit. There are many worthy films, actors, and Directors/ Editors out there who deserved the win but never got it.