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Here are Haikus for the 100 movies I saw in 2016

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Scott Roberts
Here are Haikus for the 100 movies I saw in 2016
on Dec 30, 2016 at 5:25:47 pm

A lot of people crapped all over 2016. And justifiably so.

But... ...on a personal level... ...I had a pretty great 2016.

I think I owe all the good things that happened because last year I evened out all my zen with a 91 haiku 2015 film list. I gifted it to the cosmos and they aligned a bunch of things nicely in my favor (got married, work has been great, traveled a bunch, won a fantasy fball championship, etc).

So in hopes to get my 2017 in good form from the start, I now present you with haikus for the 100 movies that I watched in 2016, including a few movies I've seen in the last week that I never reviewed (and probably never will because I'm too busy). I'm also including The Revenant, Anomalisa, and Room because they got wide release in January (sorry, I don't live in NY or LA) and they didn't make my list last year.

Also it's my yearly ranking from worst to best, if that's not obvious.

Enjoy!


100. INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE

It is good to know
It only takes twenty years
To craft perfect crap



99. THE FOREST

Suicide forest
But who wants to die the most?
It's the audience



98. 31

Rob has some good songs
But he is the Limp Bizkit
Of making movies



97. DIRTY GRANDPA

Robert Di Niro
Star of beloved era
Now does boner jokes



96. MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING 2

Ha! Do you get it?
They're really loud and boorish!
So hilarious!



95. WIENER-DOG

If I was a jerk
I'd challenge you to watch this
But I respect you



94. THE BOY

Once you know the twist
You will no doubt ask yourself
Why was this film made?



93. HOLIDAYS

This will make you think
How talent is so fleeting
When you're Kevin Smith



92. ZOOLANDER 2

Rehashing old jokes
Wait, that's Austin Powers' game
Is this the 90s?



91. THE BOSS

Look at this bad wig!
And look at this turtleneck!
Let's write a screenplay!



90. HUNTSMAN: WINTER'S WAR

Hemsworth will be proud
Oh, not of this movie here
Probably of Thor



89. BROTHERS GRIMSBY

Cohen’s so funny
That it feels weird when he bombs
But I still like him



88. BAD MOMS

I didn’t relate
Maybe I’m not bad enough
Or not mom enough



87. JACK REACHER: NEVER GO BACK

They are very right
I plan to never go back
To see this again



86. 13 HOURS

When I want hot takes
On the hot button issues
I think Michael Bay...?



85. HIGH RISE

What a great concept
But what strange execution
Turned into fart noise



84. THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

It's crazy to think
How something based off phone games
Had such a thin plot...!



83. THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR

Not really convinced
This phony reality
Will be worse than Trump



82. MONEY MONSTER

Want some script feedback?
This could have used more monsters
Like the scary kind



81. WARCRAFT

Full body make up
Zoe Saldana declined?
Must be a bad role



80. LIGHTS OUT

This ghost is a jerk
Squanchin’ around in the dark
I’m sleeping lights ON



79. JANE GOT A GUN

Jane got a problem
Jane in development hell
Jane got filmed poorly



78. HELL OR HIGH WATER

I really hate banks
Don't you really hate the banks?
Banks banks banks banks banks



77. HARDCORE HENRY

Some missed marketing
Could have handed out Red Bull
That or some cocaine



76. MORGAN

I’ve noticed something
These genetic freak movies
All identical



75. THE BIRTH OF A NATION

Tried hard for Oscar
But there's no category
For stupid fake teeth



74. GODS OF EGYPT

How did this not suck?
Everything should have gone wrong
It's comically weird



73. THE SHALLOWS

Blake Lively fights shark
Blake Lively sits on a rock
Blake Lively can't act



72. BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

Clark Kent meets Bruce Wayne
Bad filmmaking meets my eyes
Justice League will suck



71. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS

When I was a kid
All that I wanted to see
Was that dumb Rhino



70. THE NEON DEMON

Think you know fashion
Well fashion is a stranger
Fashion is danger



69. THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS

If this were real life
The only secret of pets?
Where they pooped this time



68. THE INFILTRATOR

I'm the one who knocks
On my agent's office door
And asks for dull roles



67. CLOWN

Are you scared of clowns?
Imagine becoming one
Wouldn't be funny



66. EDDIE THE EAGLE

Olympic ski jump
Big time dork trying it out
Commendable dork



65. THE BRONZE

Who is this lady?
I don’t watch Big Bang Theory
Girl Kenny Powers



64. SAUSAGE PARTY

Mix stoner humor
With fart and wiener humor
You get what's ordered



63. MIDNIGHT SPECIAL

I'd like to comment
But I'd have to remember
What this was about



62. OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Do you like sex jokes?
How about guys falling down?
Then you will love this!



61. THE LEGEND OF TARZAN

Dude is loved by apes
And Margot Robbie as well
But not Christoph Waltz!



60. THE BFG

I think about Doom
Whenever I read title
Not as kid friendly



59. GHOSTBUSTERS

Should I skip this one?
Might ruin your childhood
If I mention girls



58. NEIGHBORS 2: SORORITY RISING

Out of all these films
This is the most cash grabby
Still has decent gags



57. THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN

Starts out pretty strong
Act two starts dragging big time
Ends on corny note



56. THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

Be very thankful
Recasting black guy was cool
With internet jerks



55. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT

War zone comedy
Not really a comedy
Being alone sucks



54. SUICIDE SQUAD

Looked good on paper
It's Juggalo Avengers
Went too Juggalo



53. MOONLIGHT

I get the hype here
But I just didn't dig it
I liked the third act



52. OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL

Money grab prequel
Turns out to be kinda good
Well, good for horror



51. RATS

Pretty disturbing
Not for animal lovers
Rats will destroy us



50. ANOMALISA

Claymation sex scene!
Do I have your attention?
Stay for the nuance



49. JACKIE

Decent biopics
Take place in a short time span
They don't start at birth



48. DEMOLITION

Jake G’s wife just died
And he just takes apart fridge
Seems kinda weird, bro



47. SING

Talking gorilla
It has a British accent
Gets me every time



46. HAIL, CAESAR!

Tryin' to say it
Would that it TWAAS so simple
Man that scene was great



45. WHY HIM?

Stupid comedy
Actually had some great scenes
Edible paper



44. BLEED FOR THIS

Got pretty jealous
I want to punch Miles Teller
Over and over



43. SULLY

If he is so good
Then why did he hit the birds?
HUH?! ANSWER ME THAT!



42. KEANU

Purrrrfect casting choice
On that brilliant little cat
Key & Peele good too…



41. ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Membahhh the Death Star?
Memmmbahh Darth Vader's helmet?
Ooooooo yeah, I membahhhh!



40. X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

Desire to Assbend
Gets satisfied with X-Men
Skip Assassin’s Creed



39. MASCOTS

It’s no Best in Show
But for a free Netflix film
Why should I complain?



38. EYE IN THE SKY

Kind of a dick move
To bomb innocent people
From comfy desk chair



37. JASON BOURNE

Hey, he’s back you guys!
You could say he’s… BOURNE again…
[Puts on sunglasses]



36. AMANDA KNOX

Doesn't give answers
But true crime docs rarely do
She is def weird though



35. HUNT FOR THE WILDERPEOPLE

I love New Zealand
It is just like Australia
But much, much weirder



34. SWISS ARMY MAN

Here’s a film to pitch
Man befriends farting dead man
JUST TAKE MY MONEY



33. THE CONJURING 2

Marilyn Manson
That's who the demon looked like
It was uncanny



32. HACKSAW RIDGE

I’m going to war!
Oh no thanks, I don’t need guns
Seems like an odd choice



31. EVERYBODY WANTS SOME

It’s Dazed and Confused
But meanders even more
That’s our Linklater!



30. THE ACCOUNTANT

He's good with numbers
Like adding up the bodies!
Ya know, dead bodies!



29. ROOM

Hope you like sad stuff
There ain’t too much happiness
Except for escape



28. DOCTOR STRANGE

For about two hours
Be inside kaleidoscope
Hope you don’t throw up



27. STORKS

Real bad marketing
Cuz’ this was super funny
Watch the penguin fight



26. WAR DOGS

Fat Jonah returns
And boy is he fat this time
For our benefit



25. DON'T BREATHE

Blind guy hunting you?
You’ve got a real big problem
It’s creaky floorboards



24. THE JUNGLE BOOK

If Mowgli had guns
It would be much shorter film
I’m just sayin’, dawg



23. CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

Kind of overlong
With no real consequences
Dat hangar scene tho



22. STAR TREK BEYOND

If you want to win
Just blast Beastie Boys loudly
WELCOME TO STAR FLEET



21. MOANA

Pretty good message
This “princess” don’t need no man
Twenty-sixteen, bro



20. ARRIVAL

Refreshing to see
Aliens not killing us
They just want to talk



19. ZOOTOPIA

The sloth DMV
Is the best scene of this year
It never gets old



18. THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN

Being a teen blows
Everything is a big deal
The truth is: you’re fine



17. THE LOBSTER

The jokes are so dry
I dumped sand out of my shoes
After I watched it



16. ALLIED

My wife keeps asking
Is his wife a spy or not?
...Should have watched with me



15. FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM

Redmayne makes me groan
But the rest is so charming
Makes up for dingus



14. SING STREET

Kid meets his dream girl
Impresses her with a band
I had constant smile



13. HUSH

This one and Don’t Breathe
Highlighting lack of senses
Saving horror scene



12. DON'T THINK TWICE

Improv comedy
Can end up not so funny
When life drags you down



11. DEADPOOL

Sarcastic hero
Revitalizes genre
Maximum effort



10. THE REVENANT

Little did we know
Oscar bait gross out genre
Something we needed



9. THE VVITCH

Throwing it out there
Black Phillip: Goat of the Year
Name a better goat



8. THE NICE GUYS

Crowe/Gosling are dicks
You know I meant detectives
Not the other thing



7. POPSTAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING

I was born this way
Zerbert in the sherbert, SQUARK!
Yeah, get merked! Get merked!



6. DEEPWATER HORIZON

Oil brings in money
Oil makes the big explosions
Oil makes Wahlberg sad



5. 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE

In Goodman's bunker
It's his way or the highway
JK, no escape



4. GREEN ROOM

Alt Right attacks band
Oops sorry I meant nazis
Wait, aren't they the same?



3. KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS

What is clay made of?
Two parts whimsy and magic
But mostly it's soil



2. LA LA LAND

Damien Chazelle
This dude is on a hot streak
He's obsessed with jazz



1. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

Note to self when drunk
Make sure to use fireplace screen
Always use the screen



See you in 2017, fellow COWs!


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Stephen Smith
Re: Here are Haikus for the 100 movies I saw in 2016
on Dec 30, 2016 at 6:51:25 pm

Ha Ha, 95 was the best. Thanks for sharing.

Stephen Smith

Utah Video Productions

Check out my Vimeo page


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Tim Wilson
Re: Here are Haikus for the 100 movies I saw in 2016
on Dec 31, 2016 at 5:28:04 am

I.
Two haiku from me:
One: reviewing your reviews
Two: my year-end take

II.
Did it again, Scott!
Surpassing expectations:
the new Expected.

III.
Saw but 5 of yours.
Liked but 2.3 of them.
Waiting for Gadot.


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