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Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year

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Scott Roberts
Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Dec 30, 2015 at 7:07:45 pm

Aside from a few great events this year (namely some weddings of people I care about, a couple neat trips, and some special occasions with my fiance), 2015 didn't really feel like that great of a year for me. It was stressful, and gave me a ton of headaches. In an effort to put it behind me, and to wish myself a more peaceful, zen-like 2016, I will present a giant year end ranking of every movie I saw in the form of the ancient art of haiku. And I don't know what version of 'ku you grew up on, but the guy in the alleyway behind the Best Buy who taught me how to cut watermelons in half with a samurai sword raised me on the 5-7-5 syllable version.


Well, here we go. Enjoy 91 haikus, and have a happy new year!



91. THE LEISURE CLASS

Horrible screenplay

Albino director sucks

Car crash was funny




90. LOST RIVER

Baby Goose directs

It’s almost unwatchable

Stick to acting, dude




89. LAZARUS EFFECT

If you meet someone

And they like this dumb movie

You should walk away




88. POLTERGEIST

What a huge mistake

I’m glad it bombed horribly

Sorry, Sam Rockwell




87. MAGGIE

Boring zombie stuff

Arnold was nothing special

Would not recommend




86. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2

Clark Duke needs this film

So he can pay monthly rent

His career sucks hard




85. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN

People wanted this?

OK let’s give it a try

Oops I fell asleep




84. THE WEDDING RINGER

Kevin Hart phones in

Josh Gad is unbearable

No need to watch this




83. JUPITER ASCENDING

C-Tates is dog man

Kunis wants to walk that dog

If you catch my drift




82. ALOHA

Put gun to my head

Ask me to recite the plot

I would be dead man




81. PIXELS

Don’t know what is worse;

Kevin James as President

Or Sandler’s paycheck?




80. THE GREEN INFERNO

Lots of gore and blood

Does it really need poo jokes?

Eli Roth says yes




79. ENTOURAGE

Not as good as show

Show was bad to begin with

We should expect trash




78. PITCH PERFECT 2

You like the first one?

Well you won’t like this one much

It gets real boring




77. GET HARD

Starts off pretty strong

Goes downhill in the middle

Grasping for straws




76. SINISTER 2

No one asked for this

But I saw it anyway

Bughuul is lame ghost




75. CHILD 44

Film about Russia

It takes place in the 50s

Not much more to say




74. INSIDIOUS 3

What’s the title mean?

Not very descriptive, right?

Good Scrabble score, though




73. I SMILE BACK

Overly sad film

Casts a comedian girl

Still overly sad




72. HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 2

Finally it’s done

But money is left to make

Ugh, prequels are near




71. FANTASTIC FOUR

In different world

This could have been something good

But FOX had input




70. UNFRIENDED

Commit suicide

Come back and get sweet revenge

Bad message for teens




69. MAPS TO THE STARS

A word of advice

Don't let your kid do acting

They turn into turds




68. UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Remember the past?

Wasn't Vince Vaughn a big deal?

What happened to him?




67. BLACK MASS

Threatening gangster

Hard to take seriously

Because of contacts




66. 50 SHADES OF GREY

My mom saw this film

“It has guy butts and girl butts”

That was her review




65. EXTRAORDINARY TALES

Poe as a cartoon?

I guess I’ll give it a try

There’s worse ideas




64. FOCUS

Did I see this film?

I remember seeing it

Yet nothing from it




63. TERMINATOR GENISYS

You know what I hate?

Looked up title on Google

Just to spell it wrong




62. BRIDGE OF SPIES

Great concept for film

As bland as history class

Is Spielberg not good?




61. BURNT

Great food is blissful

Not worth getting yelled at for

I’ll stick to Wendy’s




60. THE VISIT

Sort of found footage

Has M. Night’s best twist in years

That’s not saying much




59. SAN ANDREAS

The Rock fights earthquake

Great premise for a movie

Only a half truth




58. BESSIE

Don't mess with Bessie

She will put her foot up there

You know where I mean




57. TRUE STORY

Crinkle face Franco

Not quite as good as Jonah

Fat Jonah is great




56. 99 HOMES

You want to be sad?

Then watch old guy lose his house

It’s in this movie




55. BLACK SEA

Nazi treasure chest

Plus several fierce Russians

Equals disaster




54. MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

Decent action scenes

But boring exposition

Just watch highlight reel




53. STEVE JOBS

I should skip this one

Sorkin would scoff at haikus

He’s kind of a jerk




52. LOVE & MERCY

Beach Boys sound soothing

Behind the scenes it wasn’t

Wilson has issues




51. THE END OF THE TOUR

Infinite Jest book

It was a thing at some point

I never read it




50. THE NIGHT BEFORE

Seth Rogen drug trip

JGL has to grow up

Mackie tags along




49. ANT-MAN

Small protagonist

Big budget expectations

Medium results




48. WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Efron DJ film

No one went to go see it

But it wasn’t bad




47. TURBO KID

Tribute to 80s

Maybe it goes on too long?

It’s not Kung Fury




46. SISTERS

Growing up is hard

So you might as well have fun

But not TOO much fun




45. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

I’ve seen this twice now

I still forget most of it

But the end is cool




44. BEASTS OF NO NATION

Beware, Hollywood

Successful Netflix movie

The future is nigh




43. SPECTRE

James Bond hates hackers

They slow down his high bandwidth

On British Tinder




42. TRAINWRECK

Is Schumer funny?

Or just funny for a girl?

Asking makes you dumb




41. CRIMSON PEAK

Beware Crimson Peak

The marketing was awesome

Film was only "neat"




40. THE D TRAIN

A twist on bromance

Might make bros a tad squeamish

Get over it, bros




39. BROOKLYN

Irish girl finds love

Poops in a hallway bucket

Not crucial to plot




38. I AM CHRIS FARLEY

One of the greatest

Done in by too much self doubt

Black Sheep was good, dude




37. AMERICAN ULTRA

Max Landis writes well

In the movie no one saw

Complains on Twitter




36. COP CAR

Attention children

If you’re going to steal cars

Avoid Bacon’s car




35. KRAMPUS

Is this Halloween?

Or is this Christmas season?

Krampus does not know…




34. FURIOUS 7

Paul Walker is gone

But his acting can live on

With computer tech




33. EVEREST

Climbing looks awful

I don’t even like jogging

That would not be fun




32. SPOTLIGHT

Confessional time

Nevermind, I think I’ll pass

Seems shady in there




31. AMERICAN SNIPER

Chris Kyle war hero

His issues followed him home

Has plastic baby




30. SPY

Terrible trailer

Surpassed my expectations

Wish that happened more




29. VERY SEMI SERIOUS

This person is weird

That person is really weird

They draw the cartoons




28. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION

Tom Cruise is running

He does it in all his films

It’s in his contract




27. SELMA

Decent biopic

Is full of important themes

Alabama sucks




26. SLOW WEST

Pretty good casting

No one bends ass in the west

Like the Assbender




25. JURASSIC WORLD

It’s implausible

It has plenty of plot holes

I still liked it, jerks




24. BONE TOMAHAWK

Guy gets throat ripped out

Other guy gets split in two

Cannibals eat both




23. THE GOOD DINOSAUR

Pixar makes us cry

They try again with this one

It’s dusty in here




22. KURT COBAIN: MONTAGE OF HECK

Kurt Cobain was smart

Nirvana was important

Courtney Love was loud




21. A MOST VIOLENT YEAR

Barely any ads

Came out in January

Good film no one watched




20. THE WALK

I am scared of heights

IMAX 3D is too real

Made me pee my pants




19. ME AND EARL AND THE DYING GIRL

Watched it on a whim

But it almost made me cry

So many feelings!




18. STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON

Nice Wholesome Artists?

Nutty Whole-wheat Applesauce?

Can’t say the real one




17. INHERENT VICE

A crazy movie

Overly confusing plot

These are compliments




16. GOING CLEAR

Scientology

Doesn't seem very legit

Hold on to your cash




15. DOPE

“Dope” can mean four things:

Either “cool”, “drugs”, “idiot,”

Or “awesome movie.”




14. THE MARTIAN

He’s smarter than me

Also more clever than me

Manhood is threatened




13. IT FOLLOWS

You want scary ghost?

This one haunts your sex life’s past

That’s nightmarish stuff




12. CHI-RAQ

Messy, yet funny

Spike Lee’s best film in a while

Nick Cannon still sucks




11. INSIDE OUT

Complex emotions

Dumbed down so kids can relate

Kids are still crazy




10. CHAPPIE

Don’t hate on Chappie

You didn’t even watch it

You hypocrite jerk




9. WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

New Zealand has laughs

But watch your language down there

Werewolves not Swearwolves




8. CREED

Mmm-hhhrr Brrrr-llummm-hhhrrr

That was Stallone impression

JK, he’s still good




7. KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

So many spy films

This one was the best of all

At least from this year




6. EX MACHINA

Thinking man’s movie

You’ll ponder all life’s questions

Can you bang robots?




5. THE BIG SHORT

Banks screwed us over

We should have seen that coming

But we are stupid




4. SICARIO

War on drugs is hard

It may also be pointless

Avoid Mexico




3. THE HATEFUL EIGHT

It may be snowing

But being inside ain't good

Not with these eight jerks




2. STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Seen this a few times

There is an awakening...

...inside my wallet




1. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

It is by my hand

You will rise from the ashes!

Ahhhh, mediocre!





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Tim Wilson
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Dec 30, 2015 at 8:09:57 pm

omfg, this is amazing. LOL You rock!

With apologies for adding a prosaic query to such poetry -- are they in rank order? It was kind of seeming that way, and on those "lists of lists" that calculate critical consensus, Mad Max is indeed the most highly regarded movie of the year -- and I thought I remembered you liking it better than mediocre.

I have a bunch of other questions I'll get to, but dude, no kidding, this is amazing!


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Scott Roberts
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Dec 30, 2015 at 8:47:58 pm

Haha thanks, Tim!

Yes, they are in (my personal) rank order. I loved Mad Max more than anything else this year, and "Ahhh, mediocre!" is just one of my favorite quotes from the movie. I use it all the time now!


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Mark Suszko
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Dec 31, 2015 at 4:16:09 pm

I prefer: "WITNESS MEEEE!!!!" :-)


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Mark Suszko
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Dec 31, 2015 at 4:18:37 pm

Scott the film critic
watches lots of crap on screens
So you won't have to


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Stephen Smith
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Jan 4, 2016 at 4:10:10 pm

Scott, this is GREAT! This is the type of stuff that should be in the news paper for the year end movie review.

Stephen Smith

Utah Video Productions

Check out my Vimeo page


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Scott Roberts
Re: Here are Haikus for all 91 movies I saw this year
on Jan 5, 2016 at 10:27:14 pm

Thanks Stephen, I appreciate your kind words!



[Mark Suszko]
"Scott the film critic
watches lots of crap on screens
So you won't have to"



The overpriced drinks
The constant disappointment
It just calls to me


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