[Scott walks into an Oberweis Dairy Store. He notices two children are occupying the table with the chess board. He politely asks them if they could let him use the table. They say "no" and laugh at the fact that he's wearing a full vampire cape. Scott then goes to the counter and tells the manager that those two kids over there are spitting on the floor and putting the chess pieces down their pants. The manager effectively throws the children out, leaving Scott an empty chess table to occupy; since they are clearly the best tables at Oberweis. He opens his green duffel bag with the Ace Ventura stickers all over it, and starts to assemble his vintage 1939 Royal Aristocrat typewriter he purchased at a knockoff antique roadshow / fruit stand last month, where he also obtained some out of season peaches, and loaded it with paper he found on eBay that reportedly were once in Edgar Allen Poe's trashcan. Sure, he regretted paying $40 for seven sheets of wrinkly paper, but it would no doubt inspire his magnificent wordplay.
The waitress comes over and asks if he would like anything to drink. Scott orders a Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino with crushed Oreo dust on top and gummy worms coming out of it, as if to simulate that he was drinking some sort of delicious concoction made out of dirt and its (normally disgusting) inhabitants. The waitress informs him that they don't serve that here, so he instead orders a glass of 2% milk. She brings him the milk and says "Enjoy your milk" to which he replies "You too!", which makes him feel stupid for the next 45 seconds. After wallowing in his own sense of lowered self-worth, he reaches in his pocket and squeezes out a few drops of red food coloring into his milk, so he can pretend he's drinking blood, pops in his plastic vampire teeth, and readies his hands over the typewriter. He feels a feeling of pure adrenaline rush over him as his fingers touch the typewriter keys, for he was about to, once again, criticize film. He leans forward, calmly lets out all the milky air from his lungs, and begins the review]
Dracula Untold? More like Dracula IS GOLD! In this FANGtastic prequel to Twilight, a medieval king becomes a sexy vampire for a week to beat an army of Turkish terrorists, and the worst part about it? He can't even look in the mirror to see how good he looks! You could say that it's a BITING satire of the entire vampire genre, as long as you ask me no follow-up questions! Fortunately, it was pretty short, so you won't need any Folger's COFFIN (I mean coffee, tee hee) to get through it. The acting is pure gold, which is fortunate for the characters, as they're allergic to silver! If only my wife would be allergic to silver, too...! [opens wallet, a moth flies out] Just kidding Ethel, I love you.
Now, in an effort to get a quote on the eventual DVD box, please bare with me as I SPELL out (he had spells, right?) a few more out-of-context vampire puns:
Dracula Untold will SUCK the boredom out of you!
It really gets your BLOOD pumping!
You won't mind being out of the SUNLIGHT for 90 minutes to watch this movie!
All other vampire movies PALE in comparison! (because, like, vampires are really pale. Because of the whole lack of sunlight thing. OK, maybe it will look better on the Spanish box art?)
¡Todas otras películas PALE del vampiro en comparación!
I like my STAKE medium rare! (ok, that one doesn't make much sense)
You should make this the NECKS movie you see! (that just sounds illiterate, I'm going to stop)
In all seriousness, this movie is entertaining enough to not be a failure, but probably still not good enough to actually pay money to watch. It's exactly the story you'd expect it to be. But at least the special effects aren't terrible, and some of the battle scenes are ok. Charles Dance continues to be one of the most menacing people to ever have such a playful name. 6 out of 10 spooky bats.
So, it didn't suck?
I'm with Scott, Mark. I thought it was really middle of the road. The best example is the fight scene after he first becomes Dracula. He takes on an entire army of 10,000 on his own, which is pretty bad ass. However, it's just a bunch of quick cuts with people around him like every other fight scene today. I was really excited, expecting to see something new.
I also thought the old Dracula was super nice. Someone comes after what? Hundreds of years of carrying the curse, offering to relieve him of him of it and Drac gives him a three day trial period a la an old AOL CD Rom in the mail circa 1996? Quite generous I thought.
[Jeff Breuer] "Someone comes after what? Hundreds of years of carrying the curse, offering to relieve him of him of it and Drac gives him a three day trial period a la an old AOL CD Rom in the mail circa 1996? Quite generous I thought."
Haha, yeah I thought that was super weird too. There are some really confusing aspects to the character of the old Charles Dance master vampire. For one, if all it took for him to be a free vampire is to make someone drink his blood, become a vampire, and then eat someone before three days, then why did he eat EVERY SINGLE PERSON who entered his cave for decades...?! Seems like he could have pawned his blood off on someone, ANYONE who walked in there and then been a free vampire in a couple of days. Second, if he was trying to be free by giving his powers away, why even bother telling Vlad about the detail of drinking blood makes the curse forever? He could have just given his blood to Vlad, gave him the powers, and when Vlad got hungry he would have eaten someone, screwing himself over and freeing the master vamp. The master vampire was SUPER generous in the details. Annoyingly generous. I guess he had standards? Or really cared about the rules? Seems odd coming from a guy who murdered hundreds of people to satisfy a blood lust. Whatever!