Well, I would eliminate all the parts with the scpeech. I'd try to edit only with the music as a videoclip. I'd use the main beats of the music to cut my scenes and wouldn't let the same scene on screen more than 2 seconds (unless is a really good one). I'd keep everything between 1 or 2 minutes long not to bore who is watching (if someone stops whatching your demo before it ends, forget it.) People must see a little bit of your work and wish to see more (not the oposite). And the last thing, at the end the music changes suddenly to show your ID, try to do it with the same music of the clip to avoid that change. Make everything looks as a single piece.