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Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue

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Scott RobertsRhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 21, 2012 at 8:06:08 pm

I didn't go and see Battleship over the weekend. I also don't really have much intention on EVER seeing Battleship, unless I'm bored at 2 AM on a Wednesday in 2015 and FX happens to be playing it.

Anyway, I did find this amusing, though. It's every line of dialogue from Rhianna in the film. They certainly didn't ask a lot from her, haha.

I've always been of the school of thought that if you have a big budget movie and you cast a musician in their first time acting role in the film, you've probably got a terrible movie. And I mean more than just a cameo, because, well... Alice Cooper in Wayne's World... gotta love that! (It's actually pronounced Milly-wuak-kay). I'm sure there's exceptions, but they usually just seem like stupid cash grabs to me. But I'm sure LL Cool J's career proves me wrong.

Well, here's the link to the Vulture article, but I'll just copy and paste her dialogue below as well. Kentucky Fried Chicken!

http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/read-every-line-rihanna-says-in-battleship.h...


"What's wrong with you drama queen?

"Get up princess! Come on!"

"Typical"

"Shut up. Shut up."

"Oh, this gon' be sweet. He hates the man."

"You go mess with him and see what happens!"

"Chicken!"

"Kentucky Fried Chicken!"

"You look like Colonel Sanders, actually."

"Yo Saunders, ever been in a department run by some kind of Donald Trump/Mike Tyson mutant combo?"

"Nothing, sir."

"If you did, it was only in reference to the fact the you both project great physical intensity, sir."

"I got something sir, on my camera."

"I don’t know."

"Is this some kind of exercise?"

"You ever seen anything like this?"

"Weird, man."

"Real bad idea, Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant, get up."

"Lieutenant."

"Come on, you with me?"

"Come on, squared away?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Ahhhhhhh!"

"Ahhhhhhh!"

"What happened?"

"What?"

"Who’s in charge?"

"Fire control’s offline. I need three minutes."

"(Heavy sigh)"

"My dad said they’d come. Said it my whole life. He said one day we’d find them, or they’d find us. Know what else he said? He said, I hope I aint around when that day comes."

"No sir!"

"Nothing sir, nothing."

"Yo, hey!"

"Come on, come on, come on."

"Mahalo, motherfu—"

"What the hell is that?"

"Sir."

"Roger, Echo 1-1."

"Box 24. Ready to fire."

"India 3-7, locked."

"Sir, we’re hot over here. We’re good to go, let’s light ‘em up."

"Tango 1-9, loaded."

"Whiskey 2-5."

"Negative, sir, it’s moving all over the place. I can’t get a line on it."

"Sucker’s really jumping around."

"40 minutes sir."

"Contact is seven minutes out and closing fast."

"Contact two miles out."

"Contact ETA 21 seconds."

"Boom."

"Yeah!"

"Get up!"

"Let’s go!"

"Go, go, go!"

"Yes, sir."

"Oh yes sir."

"Awesome."

"Sir, we’ll be in weapons range in 5 minutes."

"Aimed at target."

"Sir, that’s the wrong direction!"

"Sir."

"Coordinates."

"Elevation."

"Come on, take the picture, Beast."

"Navy!"

"Come on, Hopper!"

"Look dapper!"


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Ronald LindeboomRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 21, 2012 at 8:24:34 pm

Rhianna is considered a singer, too? I thought she'd reached her "Peter Principle" with acting.

Imagine...a singer, too. Coulda fooled me.

Best regards,

Ronald Lindeboom
CEO, Creative COW LLC
Publisher, Creative COW Magazine
A 2011 FOLIO: 40 honoree as one of the 40 most influential publishers in America
http://www.creativecow.net


Creativity is a process wherein the student and the teacher are located in the same individual.

"Incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
- Woody Allen

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter, don't mind -- and those that mind, don't matter." - Dr. Seuss


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Mark SuszkoRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 21, 2012 at 9:59:37 pm

Scott, you know, I can picture the entire movie scene by scene with just that dialog you supplied, so I don't have to see it now. Thanks for taking one for the team.


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Tim WilsonRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 21, 2012 at 10:53:43 pm

I think that this could be the next in your series of Screenwriting articles, Mark: take this dialogue and make a script you could shoot for $250 million.

Tim Wilson
Associate Publisher, Editor-in-Chief
Creative COW Magazine
Twitter: timdoubleyou



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Tim WilsonRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 21, 2012 at 11:14:35 pm

And actually a very nice analysis of the fall-out from Battleship getting sunk:

http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/five-consequences-of-the-sinking-of-battlesh...

Tim Wilson
Associate Publisher, Editor-in-Chief
Creative COW Magazine
Twitter: timdoubleyou



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Mark SuszkoRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 3:38:57 am

I already have a fiddle made of gold... but if you want to put some money on it...:-)


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Ronald LindeboomRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 12:24:25 pm

I just read her entire dialogue, Scott, and it's clear that the producers and writers were envisioning an Oscar® walk for Rhianna.

Seriously, doesn't anyone ever critique these scripts BEFORE they go into production and look at them with characters and lines isolated? It's pretty clear that this is a one-dimensional character. That could have told them that this is pretty damned close to a "storyless" movie.

I remember a long time ago reading in Variety that Universal intended to make a movie based on Hasbro's Battleship game. I scratched my head and went, "Huh?#@!?"

I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't get it.

Best regards,

Ronald Lindeboom
CEO, Creative COW LLC
Publisher, Creative COW Magazine
A 2011 FOLIO: 40 honoree as one of the 40 most influential publishers in America
http://www.creativecow.net


Creativity is a process wherein the student and the teacher are located in the same individual.

"Incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
- Woody Allen

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter, don't mind -- and those that mind, don't matter." - Dr. Seuss


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Scott RobertsRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 3:49:15 pm

[Ronald Lindeboom] "
Seriously, doesn't anyone ever critique these scripts BEFORE they go into production and look at them with characters and lines isolated? It's pretty clear that this is a one-dimensional character. That could have told them that this is pretty damned close to a "storyless" movie."


Battleship just seems like a movie that no one wants to see anymore. Despite the fact that Tim Burton can still make a billion dollar grossing film while doing the same schtick he did in the 90s, I think audiences are just getting smarter. I don't know if it's because they are more selective in their film choices, or just that better product has been given to them in recent years. But you can't make a $250 million dollar film based on one of the simplest board games ever created, throw some aliens in it, and expect audiences to dive in. Especially with the comic book film explosion of the last decade, people want smarter action films. They want nerdier action films. They don't just want to watch things mindlessly blow up. They want actual substance surrounding their explosions. Apparently, even with the $200 million overseas for Battleship, with all the marketing costs factored in, it's still looking like a John Carter-esk huge loss of money. Like $100+ million loss. And they deserve it, to be honest. What a dumb idea for a film. I have no idea the actual quality of the film because I haven't seen it and don't plan to, but the fact that it was greenlit at all is a slap in the face of the movie-going public's intelligence.

Michael Bay can make money doing this sort of film, because he's basically the only guy with name recognition in the field of blowing things up. He's THE explosion guy. And he's earned it. No one really cares if Peter Berg makes Battleship.

District 9 started this whole alien invasion resurgence of the last few years. The thing is, District 9 was an intelligent, well-made film with character development and a well thought out script. The rest were dumb cash grabs exploiting District 9's success (Battle Los Angeles, Skyline, Cowboys & Aliens [dumb alien movie AND dumb comic book movie!], etc). Maybe Battleship would have fit in better in the late 1990s, around the Independence Day time frame. But nobody wanted it in 2012.

Film studios have a way of telling the people what they want. That's in addition to the fact that they're lazy. "Yeah, make Battleship, throw some crazy special effects in it. People want that. My daughter is friends with the daughter of Rhianna's agent. Put Rhianna in it. That will draw in more tickets. People want to see Rhianna shoot guns. What? Depth? Yeah, it's about submarines, of course they'll be depth! Wait... character depth? What's that? Just make her yell Navy codes at Liam Neeson for two hours." It's just some idiot who has been given a bunch of power and money telling people what they want, and they don't actually want it. Some other executive is telling people they want a Spider-Man reboot already. I'm sure after The Dark Knight Rises makes Warner Bros a gajillion dollars, some executive will say that we want a new Batman reboot in 2015 from the guy who rebooted Total Recall, another movie they insist we all want.

Frankly I don't know if anything I just said makes sense or relates to anything. That was just some quality Tuesday morning ranting right there.


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Mark SuszkoRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 4:06:09 pm

Scott and Ron, it's not so bizarre a concept that sometimes, as the crazy brother aptly describes in the stage play "True West" (and I'm paraphrasing here) - there is a huge difference between making a FILM and making a MOVIE".

The expectations are different. The audience is different. What they are seeking is different. Sometimes I want to chew mindless bubblegum and watch really bad movies. Other times, I want mental stimulation and I want to see a real FILM. There is room for both, and there is money to be made from both, even though there is arguably *easier* money to be made shooting "movies" versus "films".

Can and should "movies" be shot with more attention to script, plot, nuanced character arcs? It can only help. But, it's not strictly a requirement. This is simple play, versus complex drama.

As to your Cowboys and Aliens dig, I may be wrong but I think the C&A comic predates District 9, and in any case was not informed by it as the other knock films you cited were, Scott.

Movies slavishly imitate each other all the time because it is part of what they are. Films strive to be moreunique, they come from a different place mentally during the authoring phase.


The trouble for studios and audiences, I think, happens when people forget or get confused about which one of these they are making: a "movie" or a "film".


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Mike CohenRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 8:24:46 pm

A open letter to studio execs:

We the movie going public love a good shoot-em-up movie. We even forgive Shia Labeuf if he is surrounded by giant robots with missile launchers and other eye candy. Put Bruce Willis in a movie and add explosions and you will get our $8.75 per ticket.

But when you make things like Battleship, Clash of the Titans, John Carter, Battle Los Angeles, The Last Airbender - you get the idea - you insult the very folks from whom you'd like to extract those $8.75 units of measure.

Please consult some people, such as those of us here at the Creative COW Film Appreciation forum. You could save yourselves millions of dollars.

Sincerely,

A concerned movie fan.


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Keith BradleyRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 22, 2012 at 9:21:08 pm

Movies - films, one or the other. That's a good way of putting it. I watch films mainly for the story. Movies for the spectacle. I go to movies at the theatre but seek out films and watch them at home. I received this handycam for Christmas which means I am a filmmaker. While a moviemaker lives in a mansion in hollywood with starlets.


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Jeff BreuerRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on May 24, 2012 at 3:31:44 pm

I remember first watching the Battleship trailer in this forum. I thought (hoped?) it was a parody trailer. All this talk about Rihanna reminds me of the slash awards in Zoolander.



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Scott SheriffRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 7:48:14 am

[Mike Cohen] "Put Bruce Willis in a movie and add explosions and you will get our $8.75 per ticket."

Add Helen Mirren shooting a .50 cal, wearing a Givenchy cocktail dress and you can add an extra buck!

Scott Sheriff
Director
http://www.sstdigitalmedia.com


"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." ---Red Adair

Where were you on 6/21?


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Ronald LindeboomRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 6:53:46 pm

[Mark Suszko] "As to your Cowboys and Aliens dig, I may be wrong but I think the C&A comic predates District 9, and in any case was not informed by it as the other knock films you cited were, Scott."

I found Cowboys & Aliens to be absolute shiest, as my northern European friends might say.

Talk about performances that were phoned in and uninspired acting that had me yawning through much of the movie.

It made me wish I was watching Battleship. (And I've not even seen that one.)

Best regards,

Ronald Lindeboom
CEO, Creative COW LLC
Publisher, Creative COW Magazine
A 2011 FOLIO: 40 honoree as one of the 40 most influential publishers in America
http://www.creativecow.net


Creativity is a process wherein the student and the teacher are located in the same individual.

"Incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
- Woody Allen

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter, don't mind -- and those that mind, don't matter." - Dr. Seuss


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Scott SheriffRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 7:43:19 am

[Scott Roberts] "I think audiences are just getting smarter."
While the success of the The Big Bang Theory has given me some hope for the human race, in general I think audiences are getting stupider. IMO Idiocracy is a more likely future than Blade Runner, Firefly or Trek.

[Scott Roberts] "I don't know if it's because they are more selective in their film choices..."
Some thoughts on that.
Movies are discretionary income.
The unemployment figures are heavily doctored. Business owners that close don't show as unemployed, neither do those who have run out of benefits. And then there is old fashion creative accounting. Add them in and the real unemployment figures would be at least two points higher. Also many of the employed are severely under-employed only working part time. People are not being selective out of choice. They simply don't have the cash. I doubt Will Smith, George Clooney or SJP has a clue that most of America is struggling to keep their jobs, house, etc.
Even if they have some disposable income, a lot of my middle America, non-media friends are losing their tolerance of Hollywood celebs running their mouth about politics, the environment, etc, as they sit in their gold plated homes throwing quarter million dollar fund raisers for the prez. Almost everyone (but celebrities) knows you shouldn't discuss politics, money and religion on the job. Many are taking note of vocal celebs, and the movies/shows they are in and avoiding them. They (studios) won't admit it, but it can't be good for your box office when your stars piss-off most of fly-over country.

[Scott Roberts] "or just that better product has been given to them in recent years."
What would that be? I can't think of any.

[Scott Roberts] "But you can't make a $250 million dollar film based on one of the simplest board games ever created, throw some aliens in it, and expect audiences to dive in."
You're right. That is almost as ridiculous as basing an entire movie on a 40+ year old amusement park dark ride.
Oh wait, that's been done too, at least with an amount of success.
Another on the list of dumbest ideas to get a green light is 'The Grey'. There is suspension of disbelief, and then there's just stuck on stupid.

[Scott Roberts] "Frankly I don't know if anything I just said makes sense or relates to anything. That was just some quality Tuesday morning ranting right there."
All, in all a good rant! Trying to understand Hollyweird, is like trying to figure out what your dog is thinking about. Actually, understanding the dog is easier.

Scott Sheriff
Director
http://www.sstdigitalmedia.com


"If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." ---Red Adair

Where were you on 6/21?


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Mike CohenRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 2:43:26 pm

This morning NPR did a story about box office flops.

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=...

They lead with the announcement that GI Joe 2 has been delayed until 2013 because Paramount did not want to compete with Avengers, Spiderman, Batman. Not mentioned is the likely fact that the movie is awful.

They then talked about the John Carter write down, the Battleship write down and the probable Dark Shadows write down, the replacement of the Disney studio chief and the fact that...well...there was not a lot else said. Being an NPR story they of course only shared one side of the story.

Here is the log line that studios might want to follow moving forward:

Stupid ideas sink ships.

Maybe Battleship was produced as a parable of what is wrong with Hollywood.

Oh well, I'm sure these films employ thousands of talented artists.

MC


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Mark SuszkoRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 6:28:22 pm

I wanna see a remake of Battleship Potempkin. Either a 3-day 6-hour miniseries treatment like History Channel's "Hatfields and McCoys", (which I liked a lot BTW) or a re-telling set in a sci-fi world.


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Ronald LindeboomRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 6:46:56 pm

[Mark Suszko] "I wanna see a remake of Battleship Potempkin. Either a 3-day 6-hour miniseries treatment like History Channel's "Hatfields and McCoys", (which I liked a lot BTW) or a re-telling set in a sci-fi world."


I opt for Option 2, only change the battleship to a star cruiser in a sci-fi world in which vampires thrive in the vacuum of space. Oh, and if they bite you, you become their love monkey and then bite others who in turn each become Rhianna's love monkeys.

Leave everything else the same, especially Rhianna's dialogue.

No sense to mess with perfection, is there?

Best regards,

Ronald Lindeboom
CEO, Creative COW LLC
Publisher, Creative COW Magazine
A 2011 FOLIO: 40 honoree as one of the 40 most influential publishers in America
http://www.creativecow.net


Creativity is a process wherein the student and the teacher are located in the same individual.

"Incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
- Woody Allen

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that matter, don't mind -- and those that mind, don't matter." - Dr. Seuss


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Mark SuszkoRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 7:21:21 pm

I was serious, though.


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Scott RobertsRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 9:51:07 pm

[Scott Sheriff] "You're right. That is almost as ridiculous as basing an entire movie on a 40+ year old amusement park dark ride.
Oh wait, that's been done too, at least with an amount of success."


While I agree that both are kind of dumb, risky ideas (one paid off, the other didn't so much), I would say that basing a movie off of a fun theme park attraction about swashbuckling pirates is a much better idea than basing one off a $10 board game where you place tiny pegs into crudely detailed plastic boats.

That being said, the way that the studios have dragged the Pirate franchise into the dirt with three average-to-terrible sequels... well, that's about as nauseating and offensive as just making the one Battleship movie.


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Mike CohenRe: hianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 10:04:21 pm

Oh THAT theme park ride...I thought you were talking about The Haunted Mansion.


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Jeff BreuerRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 10:07:49 pm

[Scott Roberts] "[Scott Sheriff] "You're right. That is almost as ridiculous as basing an entire movie on a 40+ year old amusement park dark ride.
Oh wait, that's been done too, at least with an amount of success.""



Oh...Pirates...I thought we were talking about The Country Bears...my bad.


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Stephen SmithRe: Rhianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 10:34:56 pm

Mike and Jeff, my stomach hurts that was so funny. I completely forgot about those films. As for Pirates, I felt the 2nd and 3rd one was so bad I would prefer to pretend that they where never made. I never watched the 4th because of that.

Stephen Smith
Utah Video Productions

Check out my Motion Training DVD

Check out my Vimeo page


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Mike CohenRe: hianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Jun 5, 2012 at 11:21:45 pm

I saw Pirates I on a cruise ship IN the Caribbean so that was cool. Part Deaux was entertaining. Part Troix put me to sleep (could have been the pinot noir consumed or the 9:30 pm start or both). Part Quadrophenia should have been titled Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money. Some forced laughter and a few good fights but without the Will Turner story arc it was lame.

Johnny Depp certainly put his all into the role and he no doubt now has enough cash to afford a sweet mansion in Connecticut or a Space X ticket.

Are we still talking about Battleship?

"You sank my battleship" said the studio chief to himself.


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Mike CohenRe: hianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Feb 17, 2013 at 10:41:27 pm

Battleship is now on heavy HBO rotation. I saw 2/3 of the movie and can confirm everything already said: this is a Michael Bay wanna be movie with a silly Space Cowboys ending that is just full of implausibility that stretches very far to fit into the board game's theme. Rhianna could have been traded for Michelle Rodriguez who is experienced at playing military roles and can actually act. Liam Nee son was essentially a cameo and the real star of the movie was the missile-deck charge thingies fired by the aliens. Don't get me started on the one dimensional characters back on land.
Mike Cohen


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Tim WilsonRe: hianna's Battleship Dialogue
by on Feb 18, 2013 at 12:02:13 am

Likewise just saw it. Awesome re:name of the subject line, Mike.

Rihanna could not possibly have been more perfect. PERFECT I tell you.

Michelle Rogriguez is way too good an actress to be in this (I say not kidding), and she is also Alexander Skarsgård's age, easily a lt. commander at that age, and given her mad military skilz, no less than the rank of Commander that Alex held in the picture. In fact, said skills would surely place her one rank above Alex: that's CAPTAIN Rodriguez to you.

Rihanna. PERFECT.

For this. Not for everything. What was Michelle doing at Rihanna's age? The first Fast and Furious. No way Rihanna could have handled THAT.

(I would SAY I can't believe how excited I am to see The Return of Letty in FF6...except that I can totally believe it. The world is a better place with Captain Rodriguez behind the wheel.)

I thought the beginning of Battleship was genuinely, and clearly intentionally, hilarious. The chicken burrito sequence was one of the funniest I've seen in a long time. I'm sure one of you will chime in with candidates, but I can't think of anything of that Apatow-esque ilk that was funnier last year.

The biggest problem is that the movie never answers the three core questions it raises, to wit:

  • W.
  • T, and
  • F.


But hey, I got to the end of Lost asking the same questions, and got the exact same quantity and quality of answers. (Many of these questions might have been handily resolved had Michelle Rodriquez in fact survived until Season 6. Tailies represent!)

Once you saw the whole space alien concept in the trailer, though, and you got to the movie, if you're honest, you got exactly what you expected. Certainly no more than you deserved. LOL I came away satisfied enough, and sorry there won't be a sequel.

And not that my wife and I weren't laughing at the "Rihanna's dialogue" trope. HER being perfect for IT doesn't make IT perfect.

Maybe do the sequel in 10 years. Michelle Rodriguez will be old enough to play a Vice Admiral*....and her little sister Rihanna is a battleship commander.


*It happens that the rank immediately above Captain is Rear Admiral. It would have taken forever to explain what joke I WASN'T making if I suggested that Michelle was promoted to that rank for the sequel, so I hopped on Vice Admiral instead...which can also be misconstrued, but DON'T.


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